hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
