How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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