just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
