chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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