I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
