Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You smell like stripper and shame
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
