if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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