I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
