when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize