he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
