I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
