my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
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I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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