I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
