cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
