When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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