I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
