Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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