Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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