what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
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