so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
