Where is the hickey?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
