Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
