She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
