I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.