I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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