The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
