Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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