How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
