I accidentally burped into my bong.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
