if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize