Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
