today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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