I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
