just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
