We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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