I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
