it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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