I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
