I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
