You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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