I accidentally had phone sex last night
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
