don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Actions speak louder than pants.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
