Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
