i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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