At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
