Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
