There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
