he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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