apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
