3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
