I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
