watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
