Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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