Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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