like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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