I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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